BBQ

Three different BBQ parties this weekend and I am recovering. Mom came with and is enjoying her first few days here. Went to the acupuncturist today and I had the gaps in my aura fixed. Feel better already just knowing that. She said it was bad circulation from my radiotherapy. I need to make a things to do list. I used to do this quite often but have gotten out of the habit over the years. I am starting to have more energy these days and I will need to be more organized to make good use of it.

Dare to (listen to your) dream.

I had a dream about 10 days ago where I was speaking to someone and they told me to be prepared. "Buy a big piece of land with a water source, plant fruits and veggies and put a good sized wall around it to protect your food from thieves." They explained that there will be a period of time where the people will have to forage for food and water and will become very aggressive and I have a little bit of time to get prepared for this. Upon hearing this I woke up and it happened to be morning anyway and Doc and the Little One were already waking up. I told Doc about this very vivid dream which he shrugged off as he sleepily made his coffee and prepared for his day. I have taken the habit all of my life to listen to my dreams as usually they give me invaluable guidance. Some people ask their pastor or palm reader, others go with pure logic, I listen to my dreams and follow intuition. I am not a fruit loop but I do believe someone came to me in my dream to warn us. Fortunately they gave very explicit directions as sometimes I can be a little dense or stubborn. I will try to convince Doc of the direction we should perhaps be heading, but this might be tricky. Today a friend came by and explained about a group he is with that gets together once a year to live a week or 2 a nomadic life completely (or as close as possible) independent of the current system. For example: trading work for a farmer for food or camping rights, setting up tent near water sources, eating "weeds" or exclusively locally grown, no electricity, no cars, no cell phone, avoidance of monetary system with preference of exchange, etc. This reminded me of the warning dream. I would like to join them as I think it would be not only fun but a great learning experience, also a great chance to meet other like minded folks who would understand. This chat spurred me on to research edible weeds where, after a few clicks, I stumbled on the following site by hazard(?):
http://www.lifeaftertheoilcrash.net/Index.html
Check it out before sizing me up for a XS straitjacket.

First bike and slugs

The little Ones first bike. Actually it is not a bike but a draisienne as it has no pedals. Found it on ebay and she loves it. Doc took a few photos but this is the only one you can actually see the bike in. I will get some better ones later. She got some good speed on it yesterday when we gave it to her which has me wondering why they didn't put a brake on it as well. Mom is arriving tomorrow and I will clean the bathroom before she arrives as the slugs that normally crawl in the window to do the job are not as hungry as usual. Winter is better for this as the window is shut, they take residence there and eat really well. I hate cleaning it as we share the bathroom with our downstairs neighbor and I don't like dealing with non familial pubes. Apart from that, I don't have complaints in that department as my neighbor occasionally cleans it anyway and doesn't stay in there too long. We all greatly appreciate the cleaner slugs for the day to day upkeep and highly recommend them for bathroom duty.

Camping

We spent the weekend in Holland camping at the sea. We set up our tents at a small campground in a farm just 5 minutes drive from the water. There were 8 adults and 6 kids and we had a wonderful time. The water was too cold for me to even consider going in, but Doc and the Little One got in and splashed around for a bit. Saturday I attempted to look for treasure, but the kids were absolutely obsessed by the machine and the Little One was practically glued to my side making this task almost impossible. Sunday I brought the hammock and strung it up under a greasy spoon and chilled out in the sea breezes watching the kids run all over and the adults either sleeping in the sun or playing with the kids. It has been a long time since we have gone camping and I forgot how much fun it can be. We cheated a little bit by not eating all of our meals on the camp, but we could not make a fire there anyways. We got back last night and we were all completely exhausted but more relaxed. I will post some of Gaga's beautiful photos of our trip, as I think she took about 300+ of them, later on in the week.

In other news, the renter is finally out of the house and the big cleanup has begun thanks to Mom who is heading up the project just before taking the plane to move over here to Belgium indefinitely. This woman knows no fear and in between packing her suitcase she is coordinating the painting, cleaning, locksmithing, and general reparation before her Weds morning departure. She is Lara Croft meets Martha Stewart and I would be cooked without her help! Thank you Mom!!

Lazy days

Still here, but the lazy days of summer are definitely making me slothful. The neighborhood girls are fighting over who gets to play with the Little One and she is eating up the attention. Doc won $50 and an entry to a higher paying poker tournament so he is excited and I am jealous today. I putz around on the internet whenever I am not entertaining the Little One. My radiotherapy session are starting to irritate my skin and the doctor told me to use special cream. I will go to the pharmacy now as it is on the way walking to the daycare. Yeah, nothing exciting going on but I like it this way sometimes. We were supposed to go camping with a bunch of friends in the Ardennes this weekend but the forecast calls for rain.

The door

UN knocked at the door yesterday to apologise and announce that he has quit drinking. He cannot remember very much of the past few weeks and took to heart some of the things everyone in the house had told him the day before. I hope he can dry out and I know it will not be easy for him. UN is actually a really sweet guy. A young 30's musician with a big heart, open mind and will literally give you the shirt off his back or whatever else you compliment him on. Unfortunately, his generosity is greatly appreciated by the area transients for the moment. Yesterday and today a young vagabond rang at his door to do laundry, and he let him in. This cannot continue or I will go insane. I hate the idea of strangers coming and going just outside our (normally unlocked) door. I don't want to start locking it but I see no other choice for the moment.

Speaking of doors, the past week Doc has been refinishing all the window frames of the apartment and today the guys started on the front door. I love the little windows that open and the detailing on the upper part of the frame. I took some pics while there seems to be a small crowd there drinking beer, dodging hornets and watching/commenting on work progress. Something about getting out tools will always attract thirsty men that want to help, give advice, and drink with power tools whirring as background music. If I am ever single and on the prowl, I will deploy this fail safe technique for meeting men who are good with their hands ;)

I love dragons!

My birthday gift arrived yesterday: a metal detector. I always wanted one. Every time I go to the beach or see a public place jam packed with people I cannot help but wonder what kind of goodies might be dropped on the ground. Last night I dreamt I was using it at a park and I am excited at the idea to go out and perhaps find buried treasure and lots of bottle caps. My upstairs neighbor is doing some strange things lately. Today he came home with 2 homeless people to let them take a shower and get cleaned up. Earlier this week he has plugged his amplifier in on the stairwell and played his guitar at full volume to get the attention of my friend who came by to talk to me. He confided to our Tuesday board game party that he befriended a bicurious 16 year old Scottish boy at a café the night before, invited him to spend the night, and swears he didn't do anything but the boy masturbated in his bed an unknown number of times. Uhh, too much info. Is that legal? UN's behavior has been really borderline and growing progressively worse the past few weeks and I am starting to wonder if he is becoming schizophrenic. He admits that some people change into aliens in front of him and his speech is becoming cryptic. When he is sober he is almost normal but those days are few and far between for the moment. His ex girlfriend of many years (who lives in the apartment above him) says she has never seen him like this and is now afraid of him. I am on his good side: UN calls me his angel and looks to me for guidance. He calls Doc his dragon. I can tell you the dragon let UN have it Tuesday night as he well should have and UN has been a little quieter since. Doc doesn't take any shit from anyone. One of the many things I love about him. He IS a dragon. God help anyone who tries to get one over on him. All the beer in Belgium cannot put out the fire that is within.

Party

We had a great party last night and today I have a champagne hangover. About 25-30 friends stopped by and we all went out to eat after a few drinks. Unfortunately, I was pretty wasted by the time the food came and I had to go to bed ASAP leaving all my guests there at the restaurant. Today my head hurts and I am disappointed to not have stayed the length. After the meal everyone came back to the apartment and continued the party until 6am while I was completely KO in bed. This morning I was glad to hear everyone had fun.

Cobalt and the F word

My birthday went off without a hitch. The daycare has been closed all week so the Little One has been with me nonstop. Tomorrow she will be with her grandparents and we will have the real birthday celebration which will consist of friends coming over for a drink. I am really looking forward to it. My birthday is the Belgian Independence Day which makes things pretty tricky for doing something seeing how Doc is the sort of guy who waits till the last minute. Everything is usually closed, booked solid, sold out or completely packed. Four (I think) years ago he called me from the airport (all the travel agencies in town were closed) to ask me which "last minute" weekend getaway I prefer. We ended up getting into a tiff because I was so irritated at his lack of preparation, come to find out, every flight was booked into next week ages ago anyway. We ended up driving to Baden Baden, Germany with no regrets. It was fantastic but a long drive. Last year we went to a gastronomic restaurant and spent 5 hours at the table eating and drinking the day away. I love good food so this was really a perfect gift. Doc told me what my gift is this year and I am waiting for it to arrive in the mail. I suspect it will take a week or two to get here given the holiday and the fact everything moves slower over here in the summer months.

In other news, I received my first radiation treatment this afternoon. I lay down on a strange looking table with my arm raised over my head. I am topless and the room is positively freezing. There are red laser lines going all over the room that they line up with the marks on my body and they leave the room closing the heavy lead door behind them after saying "Don't move, and try not to breathe too deeply and DON'T MOVE!" The machine makes a noise above me and I see a light radiating from a square opening. Is that the cobalt? Does it glow? I hope it works. They have a stereo system in there blasting that stupid song that I HATE. "F- you, F**k you very much" in that sticky sweet pop. I can't stand that song. They play it everywhere here and I am always surprised to hear it in public with the F word coming through clear as a bell. Not that I dislike the F word, but I think that song sucks and it is kinda disturbing to see Francophone old ladies wearing aprons in the grocery store trying to sing it. I think if they knew the lyrics and the translation they would be appalled. You are right, I would probably laugh at the whole thing if the song did not suck so badly.

X marks the spot

Today was spent at the hospital radiotherapy unit where they placed carefully measured X's all over my torso. These marks will be useful for the upcoming radiotherapy (cobalt) treatments to ensure that they expose the same area every time x25 days. The sharpie X's are protected by clear tape and I am told not to wash them too much, don't use soap, pat them dry when they get wet, and try not to get them wet. I was given a page of upcoming appointments that go until September as I watched a surveillance monitor of an elderly mastectomy patient undergoing her treatment in the next room. It looks pretty uneventful but I found it strange to see. I wonder, who will watch me like I watched her? It was reassuring to see the procedure looks pretty boring but will the girl (or guy) watching me take the same comfort? Is it planned to let the upcoming patients get a peek on the action? I'm glad I did not need a mastectomy that is for sure. My breast looks just as beautiful as before, with the addition of a T shaped 1 inch scar on my areola. I always thought my rack was one of my breast features. Yeah, OK I'll stop now. I was told to order a specially formulated Ginkgo Biloba from my acupuncturist, but I am unsure of exactly how to take it. I paid a fortune for the 3 bottles that I need to avoid burning my pale and sometimes sensitive skin. If it does not work I will be pissed about being out €230.

Purple haze

Good news today about the place we have been looking to rent but I will not curse things by talking about it. May have to wait a month or two but it looks like we have the green light! Doc bought a loop machine for his electric guitar and he has been playing with it all day. Jimi riffs going at full volume and many broken strings in his excitement. I'm sure the entire block is over it by now. I cleaned off the rooftop and tended to the flowerpots today for the first time in a long time as I start to have some energy for extra stuff. I drank a big glass of champagne and by the time I was going to freshen up my glass, Doc had polished off the bottle! I will make up for it on my birthday in a couple days. I still feel a little strange from the chemo, but I am starting to feel more and more myself. I spent the day doing a mental inventory of all the BPA, phtalates and other toxic crap we have hanging around. My god we are surrounded by toxic sh*t. Doc and I have discussed it and we have decided to make a real effort to buy only natural products, organic veggies & fruit, and avoid as much as possible plastics and chemicals in general. I ended today by trashing the BPA baby bottle, BPA baby bowls, plates and cups as well as the "no mess" baby markers that she always tries to suck on. Next on the list will be my beloved Teflon skillet which I learned today is linked to breast cancer as well as a few other diseases. I will stay away from a lifetime habit of diet soda, which will be tricky but I count myself lucky to not be addicted to cigarettes. Don't want to give up my trusty fake Crocs as they are too comfy. Will cross that bridge when we come to it...

Online Poker

We have rediscovered online poker. For the past week Doc and I have been playing in our spare time and I think we will have to ban it. If we play together we seem to do quite well and it is great fun. We sit next to each other frantically whispering expletives and making lewd gestures to each other and the screen, all the while trying not to wake the baby sleeping behind us. This is our idea of letting off some steam and relaxing. The trouble comes when we play by ourselves. Things go pretty well for the first 20 minutes, then the downward spiral. I am not going to tell you how much we lost the past 24 hours but, easy come easy go as they say. There are great options to play for free, but unfortunately that is not as fun.

Goddamn tenants

Things have been a little crazy around here and today is the first day in awhile I have had a minute to myself. We may have found a solution for an apartment, but I will wait before I tell you more just to see if it pans out a little further. The little one had a fever on and off this weekend and is testing every limit imaginable. It is difficult for the moment as everything is met by a challenge (getting dressed, eating, going toilet, refuses to walk and wants to be carried everywhere, "no, I don't want to", etc.). I guess this is normal considering the parents and I take comfort knowing this will make her a strong woman like all the others in her lineage. It is probably not helping that she does not feel well.

I am having to evict my tenant from what was my old house in Florida. I have always had fantasies of owning several properties, retiring, and living comfortably on the rent money, but I am starting to think this is a pipe dream. About 10 years ago I bought a condo as an investment property, fixed it up, then found a tenant. The nice family that moved in trashed the place in the 2 months they squatted there before I had them evicted. I had to go back in and spiffy the place up again to sell it. Alot of work, but I guess I can't really complain as I made a tidy sum on the sale. It is just the stress that killed me then and is starting to get to me this time. I detest kicking someone out, but I abhor the idea that someone is trying to get one over on me; therein lies the stress. What to do, I guess I have no luck (or talent) in this area. I just don't get why people can't pay their friggin rent. I always paid mine on time back in the day before I owned. It never occurred to me to try to screw someone over this way and it pisses me off that someone would do this to me. Ahh yes, the stress. The worst thing I did as a tenant was break down a door (for fun one drunken afternoon with friends) and I was happy to replace it. We also put a kiddie pool in the living room for a few days which involved yet more drunken escapades. The wooden floor was already a real mess so the water everywhere actually made the floor nicer after all and there was no damage. This also helped clean up when my roommate played kick box with a full (and then very quickly empty) gallon of milk a few weeks before. The rent was always on time and the house in good order. I am thinking of selling the house and a big piece of land we bought in Costa Rica. We could perhaps then buy a nice place over here and keep the apartment we have here as well. With the current financial problems going on globally and no real end in sight I think it might be less stress to not have to worry about tenants across the ocean. I dunno, I am just sounding off. Do you know anyone who wants to buy 10 hectares in Costa Rica?

Chemo is finished!

The past few days have been fraught with backaches, headaches, and cramps. We had the unfortunate news of Docs step uncle passing on. He was an alcoholic in his final years and eventually it caught up with him. Alcoholism runs in my family as well, but that does not stop me from drinking occasionally. I really enjoy it. I have tried about every recreational drug that exists and I find that I prefer a glass of good champagne (I love soft mushrooms as well but for different reasons). I have not been able to drink for the past few years due to many reasons. I got pregnant July 2006, followed by intense breastfeeding up until this past Feb, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. They told me I had to stop breastfeeding to perform the necessary tumorectomy. The little one and I were quite upset by this abrupt finish, but there was no way around it. Chemo and drinking don't mix, so that brings us to now. Today I found out that I am finished with chemo. I am so ecstatic!! The last treatment I did was sort of a compromise with everyone, and today I have my doctors' and my husbands' blessing to stop chemo. I feel light as a feather and giddy (with exception to my physical state). I hope I will feel strong enough to drink some glasses of champagne for my birthday in a few weeks!

The doctor also told me that it is ill advised to get pregnant for the next 2 years. For the reasons that most recurrence of cancer happens in 2 years post treatment and we don't want to have a child grow up without their mother. I totally understand. I don't want that for my family in the case of a relapse. The little one keeps me quite busy as it is, but I know Doc would perhaps like to make another one. Tough toenails I say! He is feeling quite lucky after I got pregnant with LO as everyone thought I was sterile. When I mention exercising birth control my gynecologist laughs and say the chances of getting pregnant are really slim but miracles can happen twice. My only real birth control option is an IUD which I refuse to get, or condoms (no thank you). So it looks like I just have to" roll with it" as they say. The doctor also said she will send me for testing to see if I have the breast cancer gene that may also be present in my daughter or sisters. Will keep you posted on the results... 10% chance of it being positive so the odds are in our favor. (I love statistics! I find them so comforting in many regards!)

Snake eating itself

Lying down on the bed trying not to fall asleep as I still needed to take a shower I started to fall asleep. Not quite asleep but not quite awake I started to sort of dream as my mind started to wander by itself. I saw us as humans. Complex organisms as we are and slowly started to see the individual systems of the body, specifically the circulation system. Cells and lights racing to and fro in an organized and deliberate pattern. Going slowly further into the individual cells as I noted the various components and perfect structure. So small and essential for making larger beings. The infinite universes that can exist in one cell. Perhaps this cell is really a galaxy for other equally intelligent life forms that just happen to be smaller than us. Light is there, along with the feeling that everything is linked and there is no time. My paternal grandmother (of whom I was very close and recently passed away) was there. Inside me.

What Makes Us Happy?

What Makes Us Happy? - The Atlantic (June 2009)

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I found this article a little long winded but that is normal considering the length of the study it discusses. Super interesting article which basically states the root of happiness lies in our connection with others. I have always believed this, but as the article points out, this awareness does not necessarily enhance our personal relationships.

The descent

The side effects are starting to come in. This afternoon I started to feel the muscle soreness creeping into my neck and jaw, and by this evening I am sore all over with the bone pain, headache, cramps, and overwhelming fatigue. I did the best I could the past couple of days to make the most of my Medrol induced motivation: I visited with friends, cleaned the flat, looked for an apartment, went for long walks around town, played Tuesday night "Catan", ate ice cream, etc. Tomorrow we have a play date planned with some friends and their kids and I hope I can pull myself together to go. The good news these days is my hair is starting to grow back. I have a fuzzy crown of a half centimeter coming in all over. Woohoo! Better hurry up and take some nice baldy pics before my hair gets too long...

Chemo Day

Taxotere somehow seems to be the way to go, so that was my choice. There is the added bonus of taking Medrol for a couple of days which makes me downright perky! Like I drank a cup of coffee (which I have been incapable of doing for quite some time) and it seems to be a mood enhancer for me. Last night at 23:15 took the necessary Medrol (corticosteroid pill). Set my alarm for the 8:15 Medrol and started my day early with 8:45 blood draw and "heparin lock" placed on my port-a-cath. My port is a thick button the diameter of a US or Euro 5 cent piece that was (very badly but that is another story) surgically inserted 3-4 finger widths down from my collarbone with a tube going indirectly to my heart. It sits under my skin and is easily visible as I am thin and provides easy access to the bloodstream. This is great as my veins are not easily accessed (another story). The heparin lock is an L shaped needle going to a short plastic tubing with a valve on the end, anticlotting solution inside and needle under a clear plastic IV bandage. After heplocking, 9:15 I went to the Day Hospital just next door. The entire floor is nothing but people coming to get their chemotherapy and then leaving after a few hours. Everyone gets a nice private hospital room with TV, bathroom and free self service drinks to distract. I take another Medrol at 10:15 while reading magazines, chugging OJ and waiting for my room. Thank god I feel better or I would not even be here. Even my nose has decided to dry up. Maybe it is the Medrol... Time to take my weight: 52 kilos. Drat, I lost a kilo since my last visit where I was excited to gain a kilo. Must eat more ice cream! They take me to my room and the floor doctor wants to know what is going on with me and my doctor. He is confused as what chemo I will be taking and my fever so I tell him my choice and everything that was discussed and suggested he call her to confirm the prescription. This is highly unusual and I patiently detailed all necessary info and didn't mind waiting while they cleared everything up. Usually I would go home for an hour or so inbetween the blood and the Day hospital, but today I went straight over to avoid further confusion/delays. They hooked me up to a mini IV bag filled with anti nausea medicine. 10 minutes later they hooked up another mini to rinse and then 15 minutes later came in with a foil lined mini that is my chemo. This is hooked to a machine to make sure it does not go in too fast and its timed to take one hour. Today they give me 75% of the max dose due to my history of having harsh side effects. Sounds good to me. I have a solemn nurse at my bedside today. She stays next to me, makes sure I don't have an allergic reaction for 15 minutes and takes my blood pressure 4 times in this time period. We begin to chat and she tells me she is Jewish, the same age as me, all her family is gone (I presume dead) and she has terrible luck with men in detail. She looks down at my wedding ring and asks me about my luck. I am fortunate to find Doc and have the Little One but I don't want to rub it in so I tell her about the Crumb Bum I was with before Doc. I think if we are not looking for true love it eventually with some luck will find us. I felt for her. I know what it is like to want something to work, it doesn't, and the depression that can set in after a failed attempt at love. My expectations are ridiculously high in many ways and I have ended all previous relationships when I saw an unacceptable fault. Sometimes this was hard to do/painful/difficult (understatement), but a necessary evil to spare me a lifetime of regret. I am digressing. One more mini IV flush and Doc just arrived when they took out the heplock and replaced it with a bandaid. He brought me a peanut butter sandwich, bless his heart and we were out the door! Between the hospital and our apartment (5 minutes walk) there is a shaded park where we sat and enjoyed a soda while lying on the grass. Today the weather is really beautiful and it was a perfect opportunity to do nothing for a few minutes before arriving home at 14:30. 16:30-18:00 nap time. Phone wakes me at 18:00 and the daycare says they close starting today at 18:00 for the summer, "... you didn't know?" she asks. "Unggh?, I'll be there in 5 minutes". I was happy to see that we were not the last one to leave the daycare. Someone else did not know as well and apparently lives farther away than we do. 20:00 another Medrol. I have two more to take tomorrow and then it is finished. The Little One is in a great mood as they broke out a kiddie pool at daycare and everyone went swimming. They are great, she loves to go to "school"!

Choices

Had a fever last night. When taking chemotherapy you must go to the hospital when you have a fever above 38 C to get blood tests to see if your platelets and white blood cells are within normal range. If they are not you are admitted and they start you on IV antibiotics. My blood came back normal so they sent me home. I have a touch of the flu she said and told me to eat lots of vitamin C and Tylenol. She didn't tell me what to do with my Niagara sinus so I am walking around (the house) with wads of tissue stuffed up each nostril. I spoke to my doctor on Friday and she told me I needed to choose between all the different types of chemo I have done and choose the most tolerable. We will do whatever I choose on Monday, providing I feel a little better. Here are my choices and side effects I have experienced:

• FEC (Every 3 weeks with 5-7 days of hellish hangover x10)- Nausea & occasional vomiting, difficulty drinking & eating, unable to get out of bed, dizzy, unpredictable blood pressure drops, photo sensitivity and poor eyesight, headaches, mouth sores and dead like existence that scares the hell out of my husband. After one week something clicks and I feel almost normal after.

• Taxotere (Every three weeks with 2 weeks of intense side effects)- Difficulty sleeping due to neck/back/muscle pain, abdominal cramps, sinus pain, occasional nausea and headache. I still have the backache and sore muscles that may or may not disappear over time.

• Taxol (cousin of Taxotere given every week for a longer period of time)- overall weaker side effects like Taxotere but the cramps, back and muscle pain are pretty much the same with added "bitch from hell/I will kill you for eating too loudly" mood that I'm sure would ruin my marriage if I continued. The Monday they gave this to me I spent all day in bed due to the anti allergy and anti nausea drugs that they insisted on. Anything but Taxol!

I have a difficult choice and must choose in the next few hours due to premedication needed for Taxotere.

In other news, we did not get the houseboat. Houseboatowners ex boyfriend does not want to move and he found a solution to buy her out. This sucks for us and we continue the search... I am signing out before the puddle from my nose reaches the extension cord.

El cheepo scores again

Cherries got the best of me yesterday. I will make low sugar jam with the rest. They are huge as small prunes and so sweet. On the market I also found some sweaters for 1€ and bought two that I liked. I am wearing the blue one today as it matches my eyes. I try not to buy clothes anymore as I have really too much, but when I see something I like and it is only one or two euros I usually indulge. If it doesn't fit I give it to someone or have alterations done. There is something inside me that does not let me pay alot for clothes. I guess it is due in part to my travels in Thailand where you can find (really well done) copies of virtually any name brand for the cost of a sandwich. I don't care whatsoever about labels and when I find something cute, comfy, sexy in a color that I like and it costs less than a turkey on wheat, that makes my day. I have been accused of being cheap more than a few times and perhaps I am in some viewpoints. We live comfortably and I could easily afford to blow 100€ on an outfit but it would give me nowhere near the pleasure as my 1€ finds. I could use the 99€ difference towards a flight ticket, romantic dinner or a couple bottles of champagne which would give me yet even more smiles per gallon. Does that make me cheap? I think my priorities are just different than the average bear.

Intuition

I skipped my chemo on Monday. I don't think I can go further with my treatments and emailed my doctor to discuss my options. She will call me this week and we will speak further, but I think this will be the end of my chemo as she told me after the last change if it does not work out we will stop it. I am having quite a few side effects that make me feel like a 90 year old woman and I know there is a good chance these side effects will stay with me for life. Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed from chemo cramps and I am too young to hobble around and suffer this back-bone-muscle pain. I did more than half of my chemo and still have many weeks of radiation treatments to do so this ride is not over, but the hard part is finished and I am looking forward to hopefully drinking champagne for my birthday in July. Doc is apprehensive and I understand his worries, but I have weighed out all the pros and cons and I feel good about stopping. My tumor was removed in Feb, so all this treatment is really just a precaution to make sure any stray cancer cells are wiped out. It is only due to the aggressiveness of my tumor that my doctor is taking these extreme treatment measures, otherwise she would have not given me chemo. I think it is important to follow my intuition above all. I let it guide me in all aspects and I find it is almost always right.

Lucky?

Ten of us got together last night and played poker and I actually won 1st prize one out of the 3 games we played (30€)! If that was not great enough, there was a foosball table there and I got to play for the first time in years. I LOVE foosball. One day I will have a table at home. I used to play several times a week when I lived in Florida, but since I moved over here I am usually busy doing other things. The tables (IF you find one) in European bars are pretty beat up anyways and that takes the wind out of my sails.

We visited some places to rent today but they are ridiculously expensive so that is out of the question. I have always believed it is better to own than to rent, but Doc says we own enough and does not want to get "weighed down" with more responsibilities. Perhaps he is right in some aspects, but I have a hard time giving my money to someone else every month while we pay off their mortgage. Yesterday while drinking a glass with some friends on the café, another friend who happened to be walking by stopped to join us. She was bemoaning her recent breakup with some guy I don't know and complaining about having to try to sell their barge style houseboat. Hmmmmm, houseboat... This is not the first time we looked into buying a houseboat. Years ago we were on the lookout for one but it was prohibitively expensive so after awhile we just gave up on the idea. The price Houseboatowner gave us is do-able so we will see how it goes. I like the idea. I love to be near the water. It is 15 minutes from where we live now parked on the canal with a small group of other houseboats in a green picturesque area that makes for nice walking. Haven't seen the boat yet, but I know the area it is parked. I could live there.

Sugar sandwich

I've eaten a pound of cherries today and I am waiting to see if there will be repercussions. I normally eat a lot of fruit so I will probably be alright. Cherries are in season right now. Every time I walk in front of the fruit vendors on the market the smell makes me buy something. A few days ago I polished off 2 huge baskets of strawberries. I try to always buy fruit and produce that comes from Belgium as I know it will taste better than their foreign cousins. The apples here are hands down the best I have ever tasted. The strawberries, however expensive, are world renown and when you dip them in our chocolate it is heavenly lust in its purest form. I have discovered a new/ancient veggie that they call blete (or leaf beets according to google) about a year ago and that is currently my all time favorite veggie in the universe. It looks a little like spinach and you can cook it as such. It tastes a million times better. I made dinner for some friends last night and I prepared blete, potatoes with homemade sour cream and fresh green onion, baby endive salad, and rotisserie chicken (is that cheating?). There were no leftovers and this pleases me. I was completely exhausted by the end of the day and left Doc to contend with our guests while I attempted to put the pint sized dictatrice to sleep. Guess who fell asleep first...

The little one has been really wound up the past few evenings when we brought her home from day care. Completely unfocused, restless, totally speeded out, whiny, misbehaving and repeating herself over and over. She is usually quite the opposite unless she is really tired and it is way past her bedtime. I suspect white sugar. We rarely give her candy, cookies or sugary crap in general as I see it affects her in a negative way. Once a week or so I will give her a small piece of chocolate or a bite or 2 of something sweet which she will spit out half the time anyway. A couple days ago when retrieving her from the day care they told me she did not eat anything all day but a sandwich. "Ahh, a sandwich is good, what kind?" I asked. Preserves, as in jelly. My god! that is pure sugar on white bread. I did not say anything to the day care but vented my disbelief with friends and was informed that this is quite normal as is chocolate sandwiches as well. Doc said he saw her eating a huge chocolate bunny yesterday when he picked her up. AAAccckkk! I will have to say something as hell hath no fury like a baby on sugar. Tonight she went to be with her grandparents until Saturday. I miss the little monster already but I can appreciate the sound of silence more at this moment. I think I will try not to sleep more than 12 hours/day while she is gone.

The search continues

We were turned down for the apartment. Now we must keep searching. I will put a posting on a community cork board in hopes of finding something. I feel better today and am looking forward to our weekly game night. Four of us play Colonies of Catan and eat dinner together every Tuesday since the past 5 years or so when we are not travelling. I love to play! We have tried to play other games like Risk, poker, and some other board games but we do not get the same buzz out of the other ones. Catan is great because you can gang up on someone who is annoying and you must sharpen your diplomatic skills to negotiate for cards or terrain. We are pretty cutthroat competitive but that is what makes it so fun. I guess if I can't get the real life apartment I must barter for Catan in fantasy land.

Chemo Brain

Today was chemo day. My doctor started me on Taxol which I will be taking every week for the next 2 months. They gave me Taxotere 3 weeks ago but I was suffering with a lot of bone pain in my back and abdominal cramping for 2 weeks after, so they decided to switch to Taxol. I will see in a couple of days if the bone pain will kick in. I got my infusion of Taxol about 6 hours ago and I am extremely tired hence the repetitive nature of this post. They call it "chemo brain". This morning I could not remember if I had given my diabetic cat his morning fix of insulin. I sat there for a good 15 minutes trying to remember if I did it but I could not for the life of me recall. So I opted to not give what could perhaps be a 2nd dose. This evening Chinbob is drinking normally and is his usual Siamese attitude self so I assume he got his fix this morning. They gave me some meds to prevent an allergic reaction which are making me feel terrible. I am going to bed now.

Gummy Drop Anyone?

This is what I was doing on Friday and Saturday. My friend Roberta is in her final year of fashion design and she asked me to model for her for the runway show the school had. Roberta's clothes are militaristic and in stark contrast to the other designer I modelled for. I had alot of fun but was quite exhausted all weekend. These are backstage pics off of my camera, which unfortunately did not turn out very good but you get the idea. I have to wait for the professional pics. Long time since I have done any sort of modelling stuff. I am way over the hill for that sort of thing being the ripe age of almost 38 and I am completely flattered that anyone would want me to model for them these days! I love the pink dress as it makes me look positively edible.

Spent today with Doc and Little One eating lunch at a local café, going to the Belgian version of a community garage sale, then we went to a gorgeous park nearby. I should've had my camera for that as the ancient trees and mossy cobblestone walkways looked right out of a storybook. I would not be surprised to see a unicorn crossing our path or perhaps a fairy sitting on a mushroom this afternoon. We did however see some kind of Egyptian ducks (Ouette d'Egypte) with really long legs who were feeding all around us. We squatted down and they came right up to us nibbling at stuff on the ground inches from our feet. They had complete trust in us which was really magic. The Little One was spellbound. Watching with wide eyes she did not even try to pet them as they almost bumped us going by.

Choose Your Lemons Carefully

I hate waiting without defined time limits. They could call anytime and the only thing I can do is wait... "If you don't hear from us then we have chosen someone else". I don't know what planet they come from, but in my universe I need to know one way or the other and greatly appreciate (albeit positive or negative) call back. I am still waiting to hear back about a nice apartment in the area. I really don't want to move out of our neighborhood so our search is pretty limited. Everything I need is right here within walking distance. There is a wonderful market 6 days of the week where I can buy everything from bio veggies to household items to (very) inexpensive clothes. A good bakery, nice butchery, metro station, sunbathed terraces of the local cafés, and a few really nice parks are all a stones throw away. I rarely have to get in a car which suits me just fine. I have been about a dozen auto accidents and always had some sort of premonition that I would probably die in one. The Little one also shares my malaise as she does not tolerate even short trips in the car. For the moment we have a very safe car, however it consumes what I consider to be a lot of gas and it breaks down constantly. Not in the sense that it leaves us stranded, but it is in the shop at least once a month. Fortunately, we have connections and the cost of repairs is doable. I had to explain to Doc what a "lemon" was. I would love to ditch it for something that actually does not crap out every week, but I was vetoed.

The words "choose your wars carefully" comes to mind often when dealing with Doc and Little One. Especially the little one. She can be so timid while out in public that most folks don't see the "my way or the highway" attitude that 2 year olds get when they are tired. I can't complain really, as she is quite open to compromise the past few weeks and she is well behaved in public. I can't always say the same for Doc!

Exotic Boat Trips

The Doc is back from his sailboat trip of 5 days at and around St Tropez. He was reluctant to go at first as he did not want to leave me alone with the Little One. This is very thoughtful of him but we would be fine & it would be a chance of a lifetime to go sailing with his buddies. I know if someone invited me to do the same I would not hesitate. I fantasize periodically about living on a boat, but finances and seasickness have always brought me back to reality. They had a great time of course and the little one was ecstatic to see papa again this morning.

I have been following this story: Amazon Indians challenge Peru over land - Americas- msnbc.com: "Aguaruna Indians" for the past few weeks. This is just the sort of thing that happens all over the planet but most of the time nobody raises any kind of stink. People just let g0vments and industries have their way and sell off our children's heritage and birthright to fill their pockets with paper money. I am very proud of a group of people who are willing to risk all to protect the forest and I am rooting for them with hopes their efforts to protect the Amazon from development will succeed. They are a very forward thinking culture who realize that without the forest they have nothing.

Speaking of having nothing, I am saddened to read also about more troubles in Burma:
4,000 Karen flee fighting in Myanmar - Asia-Pacific - msnbc.com
I suppose if there was oil over there the international community would be bending over backwards to help these unfortunate people in Myanmar. All the troubles these people have had over the past few years due to natural disaster and more accurately the power hungry military regime is heartbreaking. I wish I could DO something for them. I remember an afternoon spent doing a visa run from Mae Sot, Thailand to Myawadi, Burma in 2002. We went into the marketplace there and had a nice time having a look around. We were impressed by the gentle spirit of the shy but curious Burmese. One mother handed me her baby to hold for awhile as her friends giggled on everyone shaking their heads yes. Cute baby with the yellow sandalwood powder all over. I think she may have wanted me to keep her (or maybe my imagination was playing tricks on me). A few years after that we made multiple visa runs from Ranong Thailand by boat which were also very pleasant but in a different way. Ranong has a large population of Burmese who live and work around. Although I have long wanted to go, we never travelled into Burma simply because I did not like the idea of paying the gov a fee just to enter the country. I did not want to participate financially to their despotic regime. One day I will go and stop dancing around the border...

Bark Free Surfing

I think I am borderline obsessive-compulsive. I can spend hours farting around on the internet and simply cannot shut the computer down as I need to refresh the news page and email too many times during the day. Not that I am expecting anything, I just HAVE to. I wasted today doing just this and now I feel guilty (again). This is one reason I created this blog. I figure that if I am going to spend a ridiculous amount of free time in front of a computer I may as well have some kind of creative outlet. Mind you, I don't do this when the little one is here, but left to my own devices I will surf until the cows (or in my case-baby) come home. I know I am not alone in this indulgence, thank god!

This morning while shopping for a few necessities I happened to see a Bark Control Birdhouse which struck me as genius. If I had 70€ in my pocket I would have bought it immediately and aimed it the rowhouse next to us whose dogs yap and woof the weekends away. I did a little research and found that unfortunately cats can hear it too. This does not work out very well as I have 2 cats and there are 5 others in the vicinity as well. I do not want to punish them for the dog business going on next door. Perhaps I will just tell the neighbor as this will be cheaper, or I could just do nothing as we are currently looking for a bigger apartment anyways...

The Little One

I went to pick her up today from Papy and Mamies house. I miss her terribly starting 5 minutes after I leave her anywhere. Being a mother is such a mixed bag of pleasure and pain, I would not trade it for anything. She is my proof that miracles do exist.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!! BZZZZZZZZ!

My day began abruptly as someone was ringing rather aggressively on the door. I opened my eyes wondering if there was any justice as one of the rare days when I sleep alone, I was hoping to sleep in. I look down the balcony to see 2 uniformed officers at my door... Now what?! They both looked quizzically at the skinny girl in the red bathrobe before them whose irritation was accented by the folded back ears on her cosplay cat hat. I like sleeping in this hat because it comes just over my eyes and blocks out more light ensuring sound slumber, not to mention my head gets cold otherwise. They are looking for The Doctor. "He will be back on Wednesday. Yes.. well... no he is kinda on vacation. *sigh* I will tell him." Apparently he was going waaaaayyy to fast and has to give up his driving license for a while as well as pay a hefty fine. Rough wake up, but it could've been worse. I should be cleaning the apartment in preparation for the Little Ones return, but this is my way of procrastinating...