I love dragons!

My birthday gift arrived yesterday: a metal detector. I always wanted one. Every time I go to the beach or see a public place jam packed with people I cannot help but wonder what kind of goodies might be dropped on the ground. Last night I dreamt I was using it at a park and I am excited at the idea to go out and perhaps find buried treasure and lots of bottle caps. My upstairs neighbor is doing some strange things lately. Today he came home with 2 homeless people to let them take a shower and get cleaned up. Earlier this week he has plugged his amplifier in on the stairwell and played his guitar at full volume to get the attention of my friend who came by to talk to me. He confided to our Tuesday board game party that he befriended a bicurious 16 year old Scottish boy at a café the night before, invited him to spend the night, and swears he didn't do anything but the boy masturbated in his bed an unknown number of times. Uhh, too much info. Is that legal? UN's behavior has been really borderline and growing progressively worse the past few weeks and I am starting to wonder if he is becoming schizophrenic. He admits that some people change into aliens in front of him and his speech is becoming cryptic. When he is sober he is almost normal but those days are few and far between for the moment. His ex girlfriend of many years (who lives in the apartment above him) says she has never seen him like this and is now afraid of him. I am on his good side: UN calls me his angel and looks to me for guidance. He calls Doc his dragon. I can tell you the dragon let UN have it Tuesday night as he well should have and UN has been a little quieter since. Doc doesn't take any shit from anyone. One of the many things I love about him. He IS a dragon. God help anyone who tries to get one over on him. All the beer in Belgium cannot put out the fire that is within.

Party

We had a great party last night and today I have a champagne hangover. About 25-30 friends stopped by and we all went out to eat after a few drinks. Unfortunately, I was pretty wasted by the time the food came and I had to go to bed ASAP leaving all my guests there at the restaurant. Today my head hurts and I am disappointed to not have stayed the length. After the meal everyone came back to the apartment and continued the party until 6am while I was completely KO in bed. This morning I was glad to hear everyone had fun.

Cobalt and the F word

My birthday went off without a hitch. The daycare has been closed all week so the Little One has been with me nonstop. Tomorrow she will be with her grandparents and we will have the real birthday celebration which will consist of friends coming over for a drink. I am really looking forward to it. My birthday is the Belgian Independence Day which makes things pretty tricky for doing something seeing how Doc is the sort of guy who waits till the last minute. Everything is usually closed, booked solid, sold out or completely packed. Four (I think) years ago he called me from the airport (all the travel agencies in town were closed) to ask me which "last minute" weekend getaway I prefer. We ended up getting into a tiff because I was so irritated at his lack of preparation, come to find out, every flight was booked into next week ages ago anyway. We ended up driving to Baden Baden, Germany with no regrets. It was fantastic but a long drive. Last year we went to a gastronomic restaurant and spent 5 hours at the table eating and drinking the day away. I love good food so this was really a perfect gift. Doc told me what my gift is this year and I am waiting for it to arrive in the mail. I suspect it will take a week or two to get here given the holiday and the fact everything moves slower over here in the summer months.

In other news, I received my first radiation treatment this afternoon. I lay down on a strange looking table with my arm raised over my head. I am topless and the room is positively freezing. There are red laser lines going all over the room that they line up with the marks on my body and they leave the room closing the heavy lead door behind them after saying "Don't move, and try not to breathe too deeply and DON'T MOVE!" The machine makes a noise above me and I see a light radiating from a square opening. Is that the cobalt? Does it glow? I hope it works. They have a stereo system in there blasting that stupid song that I HATE. "F- you, F**k you very much" in that sticky sweet pop. I can't stand that song. They play it everywhere here and I am always surprised to hear it in public with the F word coming through clear as a bell. Not that I dislike the F word, but I think that song sucks and it is kinda disturbing to see Francophone old ladies wearing aprons in the grocery store trying to sing it. I think if they knew the lyrics and the translation they would be appalled. You are right, I would probably laugh at the whole thing if the song did not suck so badly.

X marks the spot

Today was spent at the hospital radiotherapy unit where they placed carefully measured X's all over my torso. These marks will be useful for the upcoming radiotherapy (cobalt) treatments to ensure that they expose the same area every time x25 days. The sharpie X's are protected by clear tape and I am told not to wash them too much, don't use soap, pat them dry when they get wet, and try not to get them wet. I was given a page of upcoming appointments that go until September as I watched a surveillance monitor of an elderly mastectomy patient undergoing her treatment in the next room. It looks pretty uneventful but I found it strange to see. I wonder, who will watch me like I watched her? It was reassuring to see the procedure looks pretty boring but will the girl (or guy) watching me take the same comfort? Is it planned to let the upcoming patients get a peek on the action? I'm glad I did not need a mastectomy that is for sure. My breast looks just as beautiful as before, with the addition of a T shaped 1 inch scar on my areola. I always thought my rack was one of my breast features. Yeah, OK I'll stop now. I was told to order a specially formulated Ginkgo Biloba from my acupuncturist, but I am unsure of exactly how to take it. I paid a fortune for the 3 bottles that I need to avoid burning my pale and sometimes sensitive skin. If it does not work I will be pissed about being out €230.

Purple haze

Good news today about the place we have been looking to rent but I will not curse things by talking about it. May have to wait a month or two but it looks like we have the green light! Doc bought a loop machine for his electric guitar and he has been playing with it all day. Jimi riffs going at full volume and many broken strings in his excitement. I'm sure the entire block is over it by now. I cleaned off the rooftop and tended to the flowerpots today for the first time in a long time as I start to have some energy for extra stuff. I drank a big glass of champagne and by the time I was going to freshen up my glass, Doc had polished off the bottle! I will make up for it on my birthday in a couple days. I still feel a little strange from the chemo, but I am starting to feel more and more myself. I spent the day doing a mental inventory of all the BPA, phtalates and other toxic crap we have hanging around. My god we are surrounded by toxic sh*t. Doc and I have discussed it and we have decided to make a real effort to buy only natural products, organic veggies & fruit, and avoid as much as possible plastics and chemicals in general. I ended today by trashing the BPA baby bottle, BPA baby bowls, plates and cups as well as the "no mess" baby markers that she always tries to suck on. Next on the list will be my beloved Teflon skillet which I learned today is linked to breast cancer as well as a few other diseases. I will stay away from a lifetime habit of diet soda, which will be tricky but I count myself lucky to not be addicted to cigarettes. Don't want to give up my trusty fake Crocs as they are too comfy. Will cross that bridge when we come to it...

Online Poker

We have rediscovered online poker. For the past week Doc and I have been playing in our spare time and I think we will have to ban it. If we play together we seem to do quite well and it is great fun. We sit next to each other frantically whispering expletives and making lewd gestures to each other and the screen, all the while trying not to wake the baby sleeping behind us. This is our idea of letting off some steam and relaxing. The trouble comes when we play by ourselves. Things go pretty well for the first 20 minutes, then the downward spiral. I am not going to tell you how much we lost the past 24 hours but, easy come easy go as they say. There are great options to play for free, but unfortunately that is not as fun.

Goddamn tenants

Things have been a little crazy around here and today is the first day in awhile I have had a minute to myself. We may have found a solution for an apartment, but I will wait before I tell you more just to see if it pans out a little further. The little one had a fever on and off this weekend and is testing every limit imaginable. It is difficult for the moment as everything is met by a challenge (getting dressed, eating, going toilet, refuses to walk and wants to be carried everywhere, "no, I don't want to", etc.). I guess this is normal considering the parents and I take comfort knowing this will make her a strong woman like all the others in her lineage. It is probably not helping that she does not feel well.

I am having to evict my tenant from what was my old house in Florida. I have always had fantasies of owning several properties, retiring, and living comfortably on the rent money, but I am starting to think this is a pipe dream. About 10 years ago I bought a condo as an investment property, fixed it up, then found a tenant. The nice family that moved in trashed the place in the 2 months they squatted there before I had them evicted. I had to go back in and spiffy the place up again to sell it. Alot of work, but I guess I can't really complain as I made a tidy sum on the sale. It is just the stress that killed me then and is starting to get to me this time. I detest kicking someone out, but I abhor the idea that someone is trying to get one over on me; therein lies the stress. What to do, I guess I have no luck (or talent) in this area. I just don't get why people can't pay their friggin rent. I always paid mine on time back in the day before I owned. It never occurred to me to try to screw someone over this way and it pisses me off that someone would do this to me. Ahh yes, the stress. The worst thing I did as a tenant was break down a door (for fun one drunken afternoon with friends) and I was happy to replace it. We also put a kiddie pool in the living room for a few days which involved yet more drunken escapades. The wooden floor was already a real mess so the water everywhere actually made the floor nicer after all and there was no damage. This also helped clean up when my roommate played kick box with a full (and then very quickly empty) gallon of milk a few weeks before. The rent was always on time and the house in good order. I am thinking of selling the house and a big piece of land we bought in Costa Rica. We could perhaps then buy a nice place over here and keep the apartment we have here as well. With the current financial problems going on globally and no real end in sight I think it might be less stress to not have to worry about tenants across the ocean. I dunno, I am just sounding off. Do you know anyone who wants to buy 10 hectares in Costa Rica?

Chemo is finished!

The past few days have been fraught with backaches, headaches, and cramps. We had the unfortunate news of Docs step uncle passing on. He was an alcoholic in his final years and eventually it caught up with him. Alcoholism runs in my family as well, but that does not stop me from drinking occasionally. I really enjoy it. I have tried about every recreational drug that exists and I find that I prefer a glass of good champagne (I love soft mushrooms as well but for different reasons). I have not been able to drink for the past few years due to many reasons. I got pregnant July 2006, followed by intense breastfeeding up until this past Feb, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. They told me I had to stop breastfeeding to perform the necessary tumorectomy. The little one and I were quite upset by this abrupt finish, but there was no way around it. Chemo and drinking don't mix, so that brings us to now. Today I found out that I am finished with chemo. I am so ecstatic!! The last treatment I did was sort of a compromise with everyone, and today I have my doctors' and my husbands' blessing to stop chemo. I feel light as a feather and giddy (with exception to my physical state). I hope I will feel strong enough to drink some glasses of champagne for my birthday in a few weeks!

The doctor also told me that it is ill advised to get pregnant for the next 2 years. For the reasons that most recurrence of cancer happens in 2 years post treatment and we don't want to have a child grow up without their mother. I totally understand. I don't want that for my family in the case of a relapse. The little one keeps me quite busy as it is, but I know Doc would perhaps like to make another one. Tough toenails I say! He is feeling quite lucky after I got pregnant with LO as everyone thought I was sterile. When I mention exercising birth control my gynecologist laughs and say the chances of getting pregnant are really slim but miracles can happen twice. My only real birth control option is an IUD which I refuse to get, or condoms (no thank you). So it looks like I just have to" roll with it" as they say. The doctor also said she will send me for testing to see if I have the breast cancer gene that may also be present in my daughter or sisters. Will keep you posted on the results... 10% chance of it being positive so the odds are in our favor. (I love statistics! I find them so comforting in many regards!)

Snake eating itself

Lying down on the bed trying not to fall asleep as I still needed to take a shower I started to fall asleep. Not quite asleep but not quite awake I started to sort of dream as my mind started to wander by itself. I saw us as humans. Complex organisms as we are and slowly started to see the individual systems of the body, specifically the circulation system. Cells and lights racing to and fro in an organized and deliberate pattern. Going slowly further into the individual cells as I noted the various components and perfect structure. So small and essential for making larger beings. The infinite universes that can exist in one cell. Perhaps this cell is really a galaxy for other equally intelligent life forms that just happen to be smaller than us. Light is there, along with the feeling that everything is linked and there is no time. My paternal grandmother (of whom I was very close and recently passed away) was there. Inside me.

What Makes Us Happy?

What Makes Us Happy? - The Atlantic (June 2009)

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I found this article a little long winded but that is normal considering the length of the study it discusses. Super interesting article which basically states the root of happiness lies in our connection with others. I have always believed this, but as the article points out, this awareness does not necessarily enhance our personal relationships.

The descent

The side effects are starting to come in. This afternoon I started to feel the muscle soreness creeping into my neck and jaw, and by this evening I am sore all over with the bone pain, headache, cramps, and overwhelming fatigue. I did the best I could the past couple of days to make the most of my Medrol induced motivation: I visited with friends, cleaned the flat, looked for an apartment, went for long walks around town, played Tuesday night "Catan", ate ice cream, etc. Tomorrow we have a play date planned with some friends and their kids and I hope I can pull myself together to go. The good news these days is my hair is starting to grow back. I have a fuzzy crown of a half centimeter coming in all over. Woohoo! Better hurry up and take some nice baldy pics before my hair gets too long...