More forgiveness

The pastor and his wife came over for lunch and to chat. They kinda picked up with the theme of forgiveness and gave me many examples of healing as it relates to forgiveness. I honestly feel like that issue was dealt with but after Saturday I know there could be other issues hiding in the shadows. We prayed together and had a nice afternoon getting to know each other. I called Amy tonight and asked her forgiveness for calling her an unmerited very ugly name and for wasting all these years when we should have been closer. I regret that we were not closer as kids and that just sort of ran into our adult life, we just have never been close and this is something I think we both wished could have been different. I kind of expected that I might experience a sense of relief or "feel lighter" but I basically feel the same. I am just looking forward to visiting her hopefully in the Spring so we can hopefully make up for some lost time and enjoy each others company. I don't know why I don't have the lighter sensation; My only guesstimate is that I had already walked through all the steps and had planned it out so meticulously that I in essence had felt like it was already done. The only thing missing was to actually do it and perhaps that is why the church group said that it was urgent to do it now, like this Amy will be on the same "page" as me and we will both be over it completely when we see each other. Next on the agenda... I feel led to write an email to The Old Man.

Forgiveness

A small group from the church came by the house for dinner to pray and discuss some things that the Holy Spirit has brought up during prayer meeting 2 days ago. During the church prayer meeting they had mostly prayed for me and they felt it was urgent for me to ask forgiveness of Amy now rather than wait for my plan of doing it face to face the next time we meet. They felt it was urgent to do it now. During the visit it also came out that I need to forgive the Old Man and society in general for hurting me. I needed to let go of all the hostility and bitterness that has been pent up inside me since forever. We prayed for this and I felt a release.

Do you want to do this by yourself?

I was scheduled to do chemo today and last night I had pretty much decided I was pretty much going to skip it unless God told me otherwise. I went to bed still with no contradicting word so I did not set the alarm to get up. In the middle of the night my dreams were interrupted by a voice that asked me something to the effect of: "Did you want to do this by yourself?" I woke immediately after but dismissed the event thinking that perhaps it was a harassing spirit and went back to sleep where I was definitely harassed by the enemy just after going back to sleep. I woke in the morning tending to the normal routine but taking note that my hospital appointment had already passed. I began to have second thoughts. This is exactly what I did not want. I prayed, thought hard, and got dressed 5 minutes later. I cannot have second thoughts. Upon reflection, I realized that it was the Lord that woke me with the one liner that I was too groggy/thickheaded to acknowledge. "No Lord, I do not want to do this by myself! Forgive me. I will go get my blood tested and You will determine whether or not I get the chemo... as usual." I feel better now, but this morning was a humbling reminder of not to let personal preferences get in the way of His work. This is Gods' work, not mine. Who am I to form an opinion on the subject of my health care? He created the heavens and universe, of course He knows the best thing to do. I should have known He would wait to give me instruction for the last minute. He likes to see if we are open for spontaneity!

Prayer fliers

Went to church today and was called to the front (unexpectedly) with my husband to receive prayer from the congregation. The pastor and asst. pastor prayed over me and anointed me with oil. They passed out a flier to anyone interested to pray or fast for me to explain briefly the medical situation. I am so blessed to be a part of this generous family of believers!

Lions from the cave

Vision while sleeping of hundreds of lions rushing forth from the entrance of a cave. I believe this is referring to the remnant who have completely devoted themselves to Jesus who have up until now, been hidden. What has largely been an "underground" movement will now rush forth into the world.

Holy Spirit timing

Before napping I asked the Holy Spirit (again) to help me to speak in tongues. While I was napping I heard the Lord explain that "the Holy Spirit works in His time, and He will show Katie this truth as well". I do not know anyone named Katie, but had the impression that it might be someone at the home group that I am going to tonight, so I will share that with them and see...

p.s.-I went to the home group and shared about what God had given me. There is a Kate who goes to the group but she has not been coming the past few weeks due to some difficulties. I was told they will relay the message to her and that she has been going through a lot lately.

p.s.s.-Wrote an email to the unknown Kate to explain everything directly, as I felt this was best.

Mandala of the heart

I was supposed to do another chemo yesterday and I have been feeling really weak, dizzy, and had a REALLY tough chemo the week before. I was convinced that my blood work would not be right for doing the treatment and saw a doctor at the day clinic there who took all things into account, consulted with another doctor and decided to withhold my treatment this week due to many factors even though my blood was alright for chemo. This left me feeling like I may have inadvertently interfered with the will of The Father. I spent my quiet time before Him asking for a confirmation that I was not disobedient in any way and repenting in case of any wrongdoing on my behalf. I went to bed and had a night of dreams with symbols, answers, and such to affirm that I am with Him and He loves me and that everything is fine. Everything is as it should be. I was told a few other things: Each truth in scripture that becomes a reality/imprinted in the heart of the believer becomes a bead in the mandala of the heart of the believer. At this time I asked God if the Ishmael line would be restored or destroyed during the next movement and the answer was immediate: restored. This is great for all of us. Unity!

Erodification

I awoke last night with the phrase God is doing an erodification. While being quiet today I heard the same word erodification. Erodification is technically not a word, but I will assume we can draw from the root word of erode.

1. To wear (something) away by or as if by abrasion: Waves eroded the shore.

2. To eat into; corrode.

3. To make or form by wearing away: The river eroded a deep valley.

4. To cause to diminish or deteriorate as if by eating into or wearing away: "Long enduring peace often erodes popular resolution" (C.L. Sulzberger).

v.intr.

To become worn or eaten away: The cliffs have eroded over the centuries. Public confidence in the administration eroded.

---

[Latin rdere, to gnaw off, eat away : -, ex-, ex- + rdere, to gnaw; see rd- in Indo-European roots.]

Communion

I have begun taking communion every day and today is my 3rd day in. I had a great deal of pain in my chest before taking and I was instantly relieved of this pain after taking the bread. There is life in The Blood.

Prayer of the morning

Some friends came over to play our weekly game. I made a request of Kreish to sing a Psalm over me as he is of Jewish origin and he used to do this sort of thing in temple as a kid. He brought everyone over to hold hands around me, to make a house of "bisous" and begrudgingly sung a prayer of the morning. I was deeply touched and instantly had less pain in my chest.

Sunday school

Went into a trance and was told that I could use the Sunday school material on the Little One every week. There are usually several suggestions for activities to do with the kids and I can use all of them on the Little One during the week to enforce the Sunday teachings in her life. This would have never entered my mind if God did not tell me, what a great idea!

4 dream night

I had 4 different dreams this night including the blue horse. Two others had to do with living on a farm with a group of other people. Nothing earth shattering, just day to day stuff like telling someone who was going to look for organic peaches to get some for me too as we have not had sweet peaches in a long time. The other dream I don't remember the fine details apart from it had something to do with the farms' animals. The last dream I had was yet another dream of my ex and there was quite a bit of flirting going on. I took a great nap this afternoon where everything was quiet after such a busy night.

Hot handed prayer

I was prayed for at church today by the pastor and he anointed me with oil. I felt very hot heat coming from his hand as it was on my head during the time he prayed. I shared my anticipation for good things to come afterward.

Blue horse dream

Dream I was in the passenger seat of a car my husband was driving. He fell asleep at the wheel and something was wrong with the car. I reached over to try to bring the car to a stop from the passenger side while the car went dangerously through an intersection and I turned the wheel to avoid rear ending a truck. The car came to a stop at a parking lot where our friend Benjamin was tinkering with a heavy duty truck that he constructed out of many different parts of other trucks and it sounded very powerful. There were some other friends hanging around there and I thought perhaps someone could look at our car. I noticed that there were horses nearby and my husband saddled one up for me to ride. I was riding my horse that had silver and electric blue fur and all of the sudden the saddle fell off and I was falling upward. As I was going up I saw another horse below that was frog green color. I thought "Oh great, my man goofed up the saddle and now I am going to fall to my death". I was about 10 stories off the ground and I began flapping my arms and at the same time noticing I was not falling to my death at all. I was more like floating and I floated to the ground where I landed on my feet without problem. As I touched the ground I said to myself that God is with me and was rejoicing in Him while giving thanks.

Gold harvest

I had a soft vision as I was coming out of sleep of golden harvest as far as I could see. I am guessing it was wheat but it was definitely gold colored and I heard two words "Glory" and I cannot remember the other one grrr...

Prayer meeting

Went to prayer meeting at church for first time. I really felt I should go and be prayed for and they prayed for me. As I have done everything imaginable to be sure that I am where I should be, I am counting on the prayers of those around me to finish what God has started. When I am restored this will give a huge faith boost to all those who have prayed for me and my church is sorely needing a move of Gods healing power. I am very excited for God to show His glory through this situation and know that prayer is going to ignite a healing fire that will burn through the church and bring a flood of faith and unusual miracles to follow.

Lukewarm confessions

Whenever someone asks me how I am doing I will usually say "OK" or if I happen to be in pain I will tell them "I am hurting right now, but it will pass soon" and I will sometimes follow up with "I am not worried about it/It is only temporary because I know Jesus will restore me". I have been saying this and things according to the doctors are getting worse and worse. I have spent the past month trying to start my new treatment and my blood levels are not cooperating. This afternoon I will go to the hospital and they will test me again to see if the levels are acceptable for starting chemo. Last night in my sleep it all hit me. If I want to be healed I must stop saying things that are "lukewarm" or confessing failure. If I say "God is healing me" that is lukewarm, He has healed me! No more giving utterance of aches and pains as this gives the enemy encouragement and discounts the work that God is doing. I woke up several times in the night and each time I only thanked God for healing me, for giving me the keys of His kingdom, for allowing me to be a "son" and joint heir with Jesus Christ. I thanked Him for His Love and His Word. That I am in Him just as He is in me. I thanked Him that I am not coming to the throne to beg as a servant, but as a son through Christ Jesus I can simply ask these things of Him and they shall be done. In His name, I have the authority to operate just as Jesus did back in the day. I had already known these things, but I was allowing things to leave my tongue that are hindering me and keeping me bound. I resolve to end this kind of talk yesterday! I am only speaking the truth from here on out that I AM healed and thank you God for healing me. Our words really can kill in more ways than one.

Tsunami II

I am posting this by request as I had a dream a few days after "Tsunami" of another tsunami. I thought it was just a carnal dream but now with the Indonesia tsunami I am second guessing. In my dream I am on the 2nd or 3rd (attic) level of a house that has 2 relatively high wood framed hinged windows that were open. I was beachside and the weather was sunny and beautiful and I could see surfers having a good time catching waves. There was a gorgeous surfer in the room with me trying to kiss me but he was 18ish and therefore "too young" by my standards so I hesitated. Finally I gave in and kissed him but I found his mouth tasted stale and I stopped things right there. He continued to paw on me and try to continue and I told him that The Little One was in the room and she had a big mouth (would tell). I did not really think of my husband but had a slight sense of cheating on someone or getting away with something. My eyes were drawn upwards and out the left hand side window and I saw the swells were huge and I thought the wave is going to go over the house. I was telling the gorgeous surfer that was trying very hard to make time with me that perhaps he wants to join the 10 or so others that were gleefully taking in the unusually large waves. Just at that moment I think we need to shut the windows and they shut themselves and the wave goes over the house. I can look up and out the window to see the surfers surfing the wave above us who are inside the house. The house is solid. It does not move, and a few drops of water come in by the wooden window frame and I know we are safe. No sense of fear or anxiety or stress about the house.

Tsunami

Had a dream of being in a top floor room of a skyscraper hotel on the beach with my family. It was approaching dawn and I was thinking to go for a swim before the Little One woke up. I saw the first red glimpse of the rising sun through the sliding glass doors and then as I was watching it rise, it started to bounce wildly like it was on an elastic string. It bounced a few times and then settled back into place. A few moments later a giant tidal wave came over the area and I remarked that it washed halfway up the skyscraper I was in. We were well above the mayhem and the Little One did not even wake up and my husband and I were remarkably calm given the situation. I woke up feeling calm but somewhat curious about the bouncing sun and tsunami.

Psalm 91

I heard Psalm 91 verses 1 and 2 during my prayer time:
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust."

Psalm 91 goes on to say:
³ Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler
And from the perilous pestilence.
⁴ He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
⁵ You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
⁸ Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.

⁹ Because you have made the LORD, who is my refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling place,
¹⁰ No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
¹¹ For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
¹² In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
¹³ You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

¹⁴ “Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
¹⁵ He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”

Toxic Thoughts

I have redoubled my efforts to control negative thinking after watching this:
http://www.sidroth.org/site/News2?abbr=tv_&page=NewsArticle&id=9555&news_iv_ctrl=1141

Korean missionaries

My husband asked to pray with me this morning. This is not like him. We had a wonderful time of prayer and sharing when the doorbell rang. It was 2 Korean missionaries to the Church of God and my man let them in as their timing was epic. They began to rabble on about "God the mother" (you can google it if you are curious) and waste our time. I used it as an opportunity to minister to them but remarked how the enemy can use seemingly good people to distract us from what God wants to do. Their timing was absolutely perfect but my husband and I managed to continue our conversation later in the evening. He will retire and spend all of his time at home. He feels that God wants him do do something for me, so he will stay at home indefinitely. I noticed that my sternum has decreased a little in size and pain, and this is a good thing. Could be a sign!

California

Returned from a weekend away in the Ardennes with our church. One of the first people I met upon arrival was a native Californian of whom had underwent treatment for breast cancer as well. She is a missionary who runs a house of prayer here in Belgium and we prayed together with some other prayer warriors today concerning my situation. Upon their suggestion I re-repented of past drug abuse, witchcraft, buddhism dabbling, and rebellion in general just to cover the bases. She felt impressed that I need to cut ties with people from the past regarding the drug abuse and I stated that my "partner in crime" from those days committed suicide years ago and could not think of what the tie might be. After we finished praying, I think I might now know what she was referring to... I am not sure how to fix this. California told me I am gifted in the prophetic, so I am asking God to give me direction in this area and to begin to develop this skill. She also told me that the devil is really trying to kill me. I laughed when she told me this, as she does not know the half of it (or maybe she does ;). The enemy has tried to take my life at so many times I lost count: appendicitis/peritonitis, teen boyfriend wanting romantic suicide pact (he eventually did it alone), 2 IV cocaine overdoses (my heart actually stopped the last one), abdominal ectopic pregnancy, more than a dozen car crashes, metastatic cancer, and I'm sure I forgot something... Mom has some grays but fortunately God has always protected me. I would not be here if it were not for His grace and protection. I am blessed to have run into California and look forward to what I hope will be a good friendship.

Watercolors

Weekend away with the church. I spent the afternoon in a watercolors workshop headed up by a professor who is a member of the group and a gifted artist. I was an hour late to the class, but somehow I was right on time. I always had no luck with my few sad attempts at watercolors and welcomed any pointers. Ends up you cant use drawing paper to do watercolors on... hmm that might explain a few things. I have not picked up a paintbrush in probably 20 years and I got a good chewing out after convincing him I did not go to art school for not using my God given talent. I think he is right and I am asking God to work with me on this. It may sound dumb, but what can you do with artistic talent? I don't get a high off of showing off my artistic skills and do not see the practical use for it apart from keeping kids entertained with games like I will draw anything difficult really fast and pretty good. When I was a kid, I enjoyed painting and drawing. I guess I need to get back to that when I have some spare time and maybe I will discover something about myself. God help me. Here is my apple.

Snow?

Doing tabernacles study. The Holy of Holies is perfectly square (see July 6 entry). Prayed for revelation and was told of snow (out of season?) in my sleep.

Hope

A renewed sense of hope and joy concerning my situation. A prophet told me as a teenager that I was called to be a healer and now I find myself 39 years old wife and mother battling stage 4 breast cancer and no healing ministry that I know of, but I think that is about to change. God is using this dismal situation to refine me and draw me closer to Him and I thank Him for it. Since my diagnosis He has been downloading many secrets, giving me dreams, and mending my broken heart and I feel so blessed and thankful. I have heard the word resurrection many times in my spirit the past few weeks and feel confident that God will carry, rescue, and deliver me out of my current physical struggles. I thank God for my current trials, know that fear has been conquered, and look forward to the deliverance and soon to be seen miracles that will draw many to Jesus. There is an anticipation in the air...

Palpable Word

In my sleep I was told that God's Word is tangible and palpable. Not referring to the Bible, but His actual words in any sense. My logic does not quite understand this but within myself I know this to be true.

Therapy

I went this morning to my orthopedist of whom does an unusual sort of physical therapy. After several visits in the past she eventually confided in me that she asks for Jesus to use her hands in particularly tough cases like mine. She does not massage or manipulate anything, she just puts her hands on my feet, neck, and shoulders (not at the same time). No pressing or anything but it works. Sometimes she will ask "Do you feel that?" and smile. Yes, I do. Today I felt a distinct tapping sensation on the middle underside of my great toe on my right foot. She said that is His hands doing the work on the region that effects the hypothalamus. I felt it again for a few seconds when I got home. I feel better today.

Changes

Reset the forgotten password and I will be posting again. There have been alot of changes in my life since I last posted and have restarted the blogging in order to keep a diary of sorts for the spiritual goings on. I really don't have a lot of spare time to include my really hectic daily life, but will keep you abreast of the basics. Between last year and now I have rededicated my life to Christ and have been having huge changes spiritually, emotionally and physically. I am currently undergoing chemo again since this past April as the breast cancer has metastasized to the bone and lymph nodes. This does not scare me as I know God is in control and I have placed my faith in He who provides all that I need. It is not an easy walk, but I know He is protecting me and the end result will be a positive one. This gift of faith helps me get through those dark times that chemo and bone pain can bring. I will take all the old entries from a spiritual spiral notebook I have been keeping and add them to the blog when I get sudden bursts of energy. There are some very exciting things going on and I would like to share them with you even if I run the risk of you thinking I am nuts. I am confident enough in my God and myself to not care what your opinion is, but if you have something positive to add feel free to comment.

Pain Management

Did not sleep last night as the pain is too much. Went to the hospital and they wanted to give me morphine but I don't want. I have been Asking God to manage my pain as Jesus went to the cross for this sort of thing and I do not like to take medication. Thus far I get along fine, but this week has been difficult. I told the Dr. I will actually start taking Ibuprofen on a daily basis which is a big deal for me, and I refuse to lay away in bed all doped up with the morphine option. Nothing special on the chest x-ray, so that is good news. Bumped into Ms Parp (July 27 post) and she said that she was taken off chemo as her disease is "stable", this is great news! I expect when I see her next she will have more good news!

Healing light of Jesus

Took ibuprofen the past 2 nights & slept a little better. Prayed for God to expose any events that may have wounded my soul in response to viewing a Katie Souza video series: http://www.xpmedia.com/dbbbEa5F1FfZ I have recurring dreams of my ex boyfriend since our nasty breakup 13ish years ago, so guess what I dreamt about? Bingo! I will need to rectify the situation... In the meantime I pray for the healing light of Jesus to shine on my heart and soul.

Church

Had a wonderful day at church. I really felt so much love for all the people there and I thank God for putting such a genuinely nice group of people there. They preached on suffering(!) and I went up for prayer (as usual these days). An old girl prayed for me and I looked up at the end of her prayer and I saw the intense love of Jesus in her eyes. I wrapped my arms around her and sobbed away for awhile. It is no coincidence that I found out she is a breast cancer survivor.

Hurricane is coming!

In my dream I felt: A Hurricane is coming!

Waking

Waking every hour during night. Pain is there but I have an impression that it is supposed to be there to wake me up, so I pray and wait on The Lord. Unusually hungry these nights.

Sleep

Not slept well in a few days, keep waking after 1-2 hours sleep. Prayed about this and got a response 1 hour later: I do not need to sleep so much. The pain that is keeping me awake is part of my training of sorts & I should get used to not sleeping so much.

Cocoon

Casual dream of a green caterpillar going into a cocoon. It went in and was going to seal off the last part like a door flap at the head. I was going to film the transition to show The Little One. My (heavily smoking) friend D was there and wanted to smoke the empty casing when it was finished.

Flaming Sword

Went for prayer after church service and was prayed for by the young preacher who fought off lymphoma and a lady. Lady sees a flaming sword of protection that is fighting for me. Just need to trust God and He will do the rest. I made a decision not to listen to the negative report and to change my doctor.

Permission

Episode of negative thinking where God reminded me that the devil has NO authority in my life as I am covered by The Blood. The enemy cannot touch me without God's or my own permission. This is liberating and yet so simple! God sees me as a finished product! Bad news from the Dr cannot change my status. I am taken care of by God in every way and the enemy cannot do anything to change this. God chose to heal me. The bone tumor was healed instantly & the lymph will come into line as well. God has a purpose in all of this.

Scan

I was waiting for my CT scan at the hospital and I had the opportunity to speak life to a woman there who was ready to give up. She told me she was so tired of fighting and did not know how long she could keep it up, then began to sob as she received the words of life that were given to her. I spoke love and life and light over her and she was blessed. God loves her and can heal her bone cancer too. There are so many desperate people there at this cancer hospital and I consider it an honor to be able to serve The Lord and give some hope and love to these folks.

Wings of Eagles

Getting my experimental parp inhibitor treatment and feeling pretty cruddy from the chemo I got only 3 days prior. After praying for relief from feeling like dog meat and not getting the desired results, I began to thank God for giving me wings as an eagle to rise above these situations (Isaiah 40:31). I happened to look out the window as I prayed this aloud and I saw an eagle soaring really high from my 9th floor window in downtown Brussels. (BTW-I have never seen or heard of eagles in Brussels). He was turning in a counterclockwise fashion and flying gracefully for a good 3 minutes. The windowpane obscured my view and I moved in the bed to continue to watch him and he was gone. As in disappeared.

Ms Parp

In the waiting room to get chemo and had the opportunity to share about how God is working in my life with another patient. Ms Parp is undergoing the same study as me with parp inhibitors but she has liver cancer. I prayed for her, laid hands, and sensed His presence. Thank you Father for healing her!

Busy

Dream of black man at church and tried to pray for him but he was "too busy". Told congregation God wants me to pray for man with back problems an dream. Jamaican woman comes to me for prayer for back and (found out later) was healed.

presence

Prayed for a friend and sensed His presence very strong for first time in awhile. God has been working on me concerning the relation of Jesus and the Christ.

Airport dream

Multifaceted dream of seeing portrait of Mom with a bald head, then catching a flight at airport. I say to my husband 'You're gonna be upset but I forgot my passport'. I reach into my sack and it is miraculously there. I arrive at my destination and see someone curled up in a blanket. It is someone close to me who is crabby and does not want to wake up.

Medication

I decided not to take any more medication. I will still do chemo and take whatever they give me by IV, but I do not want to take any oral medication. Jesus took pain and sickness to the cross right? I believe that it will further complicate things if I take pain medicines. Here is an interesting post on the Greek translation of pharmacy being sorcery: http://orbisvitae.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=214&site_id=1#import

Wheat and tulip square

Dream of fields of golden wheat as far as the eye could see. In the middle a big square plot of bright red tulip like flowers. Not just a few and no green leaves, but you could only see the red of HUGE flowers all packed in together in a perfect blood red square.

Unity!

Gave testimony of 30 June Dr visit. Prayed with a friend at church and had impression that we were family. "Unity and family" kept coming up. God wants to unite all people together in Unity! We are ALL family. ALL of humanity.